I was on the phone with my cousin, mother of a seven-month old baby, and I found myself advising her to add salt and pepper to her son’s baby food to make it more palatable. Half of our conversation consists of her talking about her baby and me responding with similar information about my baby brother. I know, it’s not particularly thrilling, but there’s always some tidbit that I have to offer whether it’s about baby eating, crawling, walking, talking, potty training, and a lot of random things. These are things I’ve learned in the past seven years, since the first of the second set of us kids was born.
My mom’s friends always say, “You’re so lucky. When you have your own children, you’ll have so much experience.” My response: smile and nod. Is there any other response? Sometimes I wonder if by the time I am a mother, I will be over the whole experience before it begins. I doubt it.
My maternal grandmother was also the oldest of seven children and she always tells me how she was truly like a mother to her younger siblings, particularly her youngest brother. She fed him, bathed him, did everything for him, and when he woke up in the middle of the night crying, he would call for her. It got the point where he was calling her “mama”. This story always gets me thinking. First, kudos to my grandma for being such a big help to her mom and for taking responsibility of her baby brother. Then, of course, there’s the guilt: am I supposed to be more like that?? Sure, I help my mom. I change diapers, drive them to their activities, dress them for bed, and babysit. And at night, when somebody needs to use the bathroom, wakes up from a nightmare, or forgets to wake up to use the bathroom (sigh), I take care of business. As much as I help however, I have not assumed full responsibility of them. They’re not my kids and when my sister accidentally addresses me as “mama,” it makes me uncomfortable. My mom loves her children and she enjoys being a mom (most of the time). Honestly, I don’t think my mom would want me to become mother to her kids like my grandma was for her brother. This is my consolation and this is what eases part of my guilt when I see her busy with the little ones while I’m busy with schoolwork, an activity, or just lazing about. This doesn’t mean my mom would refuse my help so there’s always going to be some guilt.
I remember my years as a big sister and they were very difficult. I started at age 7 with all types of responsibilities for my two younger sisters. I didn't really get to enjoy them alot because of al the responsibility I admire your willingness to help your family.
ReplyDeleteI don't think you need to worry about your siblings confusing you with your mother. My father was cared for by one of his older sisters, much like you do. Dad knew perfectly well who was Ma and who was AnnaMae. Dad was respectful and honorable when interacting with Grandma. I knew the difference, though, when first AnnaMae died (from cancer) and then Grandma died. Dad felt the loss of his parent, but his real grief was the loss of his sister. I say these things not to discourage you, but to encourage you to become close to your siblings. I wish my brother and I were closer, but that's not likely to happen. I envy you.
ReplyDeleteI was interested in your topic because it made me wonder how our older kids feel about taking care of their little brothers. We try not to take advantage of their abilities, but as a family we all have to work together. Still, we try to give them plenty of time off, too. Once the boys are down, we can relax.
ReplyDeleteAll things considered, don't you think you will be better prepared for motherhood when it happens to you? That can't be a bad thing. I remember being overwhelmed when we brought our first home. At least you'll know what you're up against. Plus, you also know the fun that children can be, also.
I commend you for your help with your siblings. Your heart is big and I can tell you that I would not have been able to do the same at your age. I was too self-centered. I loved to go out dancing, and hang out with my friends.
ReplyDeleteI guess, the next question I have is : Is there a balance that you have yet to attain? Do you think you may be putting to much exceptions on yourself concerning your brothers and sisters? After all, you are not the mother and help is exactly that- help. It seems as if you are essentially raising them. Love for others is a blessing when the love for self is complete.